« 浮上なるか | Main | 近況とちょっとしたお知らせ »

February 01, 2011

1月振り返り

前回の日記の続き…どうにかこうにか、「浮上」することができました。

1月は18日走ってトータル152km。12月に比べると約3倍です。
1月に入ってから少しずつ長い距離も走れるようになってきて、この間はついに16k走れました。
いえ、別に故障しているわけではないので、走ろうと思えば10kだって20kだって走れるはずなんです。
でもまったく気持ちがダメでした。とにかく楽しいと思えなくて、7kぐらい走るとオエェ~って…情けないけどコレ本当の話です。あしたのジョーかよ…(笑)

でも日に日に日差しが明るくなってきて、梅の花も咲き始めたのを見て、やっと「あ、もう大丈夫かもしれない」と思えるようになりました。
気がつくと変な動悸がして薬を飲むこともなくなったし、走っていても「気持ちいいな」と思えるようになってきて、ああ、本当に嬉しい。よかったです。

人生で経験したことのないような長い「冬」だったな~。
と言っても1年ぐらいで、本当にひどかったのは半年ぐらいだったから、一般的には短くて軽い「うつ」だったと思うけれど、友達とか好きなことに囲まれて、何とか脱出できたみたいです。

まー本当に「うつ」だったのかは分からないけど(ストレス障害なのかも。でもそれとうつとの違いがわかりません)、いろいろと葛藤のある日々でした。
これからも用心深く生きて行こうとは思いますが、良く走ることをやめなかったなー<自分。ホントにいつやめても良かったんです。別に走らなくても生きていけるし。

でもどこかでちょっとだけ「ランナーな自分」を捨てるのは惜しいな、という気持ちがあって、嫌だ嫌だと思いながらもちまちまと走り続けられたんだと思う。
好きなことだから楽に続けているように見えるかもしれないけど、毎日「走りたくない」「走るの面倒」という葛藤があって、それでも走って、その後の「走れた~!」という満足感があって、何とか今日まで続けてこられたんですね。

こんな感じですので、もうしばらくはレースの予定を入れたり、長い距離をガンガン走ったりすることはしないで、自由気ままに走ろうと思います。

月間150kはちょっと高めのハードルですが、今月は先月より3日も少ないからちょっと心配(^_^;)
ま、1ヶ月に150kと考えると大変なので、10日で50kずつ走ることを目標にします。

この辺は寒いけれど、雪がなくて毎日お日様が出るだけありがたいです。
豪雪の地方のランナーさんは大変ですよね。
お日様に感謝しながら、2月も頑張りマス。

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Comments

きっと私たちの見えないところで苦しいことも多かったと思うのですが、なんとか出口が見えてきたようで良かったです。
時間をかけて積み重ねてきた「ランナー」としての自分を捨ててしまうのは、やっぱり惜しいですよね。
でも、その長い下地があったからこそ、また戻ってこれたんだと思います。
満足感も大きくなってきたようで良かったですね。
私も、その満足感が味わえるように、少しずつ近づいていきたいと思っています。

Posted by: 海実子(みみこ) | February 03, 2011 at 23:02

>海実子さん

なんとかかんとか戻ってこれました。
自分がランナーでいたかったというのもあるんですが、ここで築いた友達との関係を絶ちたくなかったというのも大きいです。
いつもお友達に支えられてきた気がします。

少しずつ春めいてきたので、のんびりと走りたいですね!

Posted by: みなみ | February 06, 2011 at 10:55

なんとか復活されたようで良かった。
普通に生きていてもいばらの道ですが、、、お日様を朝、眺められるだけで、、あーと思うことがいいのかも。
ランニングは必然じゃありませんから、どうぞ趣味でとっておいて下さい。

Posted by: shimo | February 10, 2011 at 21:36

>shimoさん

ありがとうございます。
もう戻ってこれないかと思いましたが、何とかランナー生活を再開することができました。
お日様って大事ですね。朝、日差しがあるだけで気分が明るくなります。
これからものんびり走っていきたいです。

Posted by: みなみ | February 17, 2011 at 21:33

いま、その真っ只中に自分がいるかも。
みなみちゃんが浮上してよかったです。
季節的なこともあるかもね。

Posted by: とだひ | February 23, 2011 at 06:14

>とだひさん

私は原因がわかっていたからね。
でもお天気って気持ちをほんとに左右するよね。
これからも浮き沈みしつつ、なんとか走り続けられればって思ってます。

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